Broken Up
by CNJ
Summary: In desperation, an anguished Harry writes down his pain in a letter that he never mails or shows anyone. Onechapter. Contails HbP spoilers. Complete. PG13 for one strong word and deep angst. Enjoy!


I'm just about done reading _HbP_ and I'm thinking woogh, woogh, and woogh! Lots of psychology, angst…Harry grows more and more lovely as he moves thru year 6.

None of the characters belong to me; they belong to wonderful, sweet JK Rowling, who had the courage to bring us the tale of these brave people from the UK.

This one-shot fic is **spoiler-heavy**, **so if you hate spoilers, don't read until you've completed _HbP_**. To those who don't mind spoilers or who've read the whole book, enjoy!

Here in the wake of the latest tragedy, an anguished Harry spills out his heart in desperation in a letter that he never mails or shows anyone…

**Broken Up**

_By_: CNJ

_PG-13_

**Harry:**

It's been almost three weeks since the funeral and I still haven't stopped crying. We finally found the area of Godric's Hollow after getting off the Knight Bus and stumbling around with just a hand-drawn map, but we found it at the corner…1 Godric's Hollow, the home where my parents once lived.

So here we are…my five friends, Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Neville, and Luna. At first, when the year ended and Hogwarts was threatened with closure, I wanted to go alone…but Hermione and Ron, who are just as broken up as me about…things …Excuse the tear marks here, oh, I just can't believe he's gone…I'll be back…

…I'm back. I lost control for five minutes and just bawled so hopelessly, but now I'm back, but still barely in control. This is so hard…for all of us…my dear friends, who've stuck by each other and me for six long years. Now I'm glad they're with me because we need each other more than ever. It was on the Hogwarts Express that Luna, Ginny, and Neville decided to come with us to 1 Godric's Hollow.

It's very strange being here. The house is about two stories and looks vaguely familiar, although I don't remember it, being that I only lived here as a baby. It's been rebuilt since the awful night…of my parents' deaths and over the years was rented out to various people, but now had been empty for the past nine months.

The reason we're here…our beloved Headmaster Dumbledore is dead…oh, I just started to cry again! I still can't believe it



We're really broken up here…my friends and I have been crying on and off like this since we got here. I haven't left this room, the room I'd slept in as a baby except to pee and eat. My stomach hurts; my scar hurts; my eyes hurt and feel awful and gritty; my back is stiff and sore; my neck is making an odd squeaking sound when I turn my head; I can't eat; I've lost so much weight my ribs are just sticking out and I feel so weak and tired…just everything seems to hurt, especially my heart and I'm too tired to do anything but sleep, cry, and brood.

This paper will be a mess by the time I'm thru writing and crying on this. I normally am not verbal about what I am feeling inside of me, but I really am desperate…I don't know how much more I can take, especially of this horrible pain and of seeing my friends and the London Magical community in this state.

Things are really a mess with the Ministry. Fudge is gone, but Scrimmouger isn't much better…arresting innocent people, still not doing a damn thing about the terror and death eaters.

It hurts so much…not just me, but to see Dumbledore's friends in this state also. Hagrid's not in good shape at all and poor Professor McGonagall; I've heard she's barely hanging on…I don't know how much more of this I can take and I'm so worried about the others; how much more can they take? How much longer can all of us endure this nightmare?

Snape…he's so confusing; I'm so mixed up about him I don't where to begin with there. Part of me hates him so much I just wish he were dead. Another part of me pities him; he had a horrible childhood and pretty much life and I get the feeling he's mixed up inside. If only I knew what goes on in that mind of his; just find some clues there.

The one clue I did get was the pensieve disaster in my fifth year…it's still hard to think about how my dad and Sirius bullied Snape all throughout their school years.

Ron, Hermione, and Ginnysay we should trackSnape down andkick his ass and hex him senseless, but I fear that won't solve anything and will just create more problems all around. I'd just like to track him down and make him answer for whatever the hell he's done; get some real answers out of the bloke.

I don't know if I'm making sense here; I just am so desperate I'm actually writing this down on a piece of parchment…and crying all over it.

Am I ever going to feel better? Even if we do defeat Voldemort…will we escape intact? I don't know how much more I can take of more innocent lives lost, more suffering; I'm so afraid.

W'll…I kind of know what we really need to do…track down the awful horcruxes Voldemort created to make this horrible mess…destroy them…then I have to find a way to destroy Voldemort…I don't know how I'm going to manage it, even if I destroy the horcruxes.

Dumbledore tells me it's something to do with being able to love. I hope I can stop crying for just a moment, so I can get this out…okay…I took the pensieve lessons with Dumbledore, who showed me a big part of why Voldemort…Riddle turned out the way he did…he's unable to love; he doesn't know what love is.

I have a good idea that love is the key to vanquishing Riddle…but we need to find a way to put that into actual motion.

I do hope sincerely that someday, I will be able to mention Professor Dumbledore without tears; I just dissolved into tears once again. I don't know if I can take this much longer; I hurt all over and I can see my friends and so many other innocent people do also.

I'm thinking now that the only way out of this mess we're all in is to destroy those horcruxes and Voldemort and get the death eaters as well…it's the only way we're going to end this pain and wake up from this nightmare.

I feel like it's a race…between taking down Riddle and my sanity.

I don't exactly feel better writing all this down, but I think I've gained a bit of focus, so my friends, the Order, and I can get ourselves together to do what needs to be done to end this nightmare once and for all…before any more of our sanity or lives are destroyed.

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**_A/N:_** Nicked this from under Harry's dorm bed right before his graduation; excuse all the tear marks and wrinkles on this parchment…hope he's not too embarrassed about having his secret angst spilled out for us muggles here!

_Storyline Copyright 2005_ by **CNJ**


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